Behind the Heroes
by Amberstar of Thunderclan
Summary: ... there will always be average idiots. The characters of ME are just as ungraceful as the average Joe behind the scenes. Full collection of my one-shots, gathered here for convenience, spanning across multiple timelines and varying Shepards. From Legion adopting a kitten, to Javik getting stuck in goo, to Grunt playing in the snow, we've got them all right here.
1. The Coffee Maker of Doom

"DIE! YOU STUPID MACHINE!" the angry yell made Victus jump. He backpedaled, and peered behind the doorway.

He wasn't the only one staring as Kaiden Alenko pounded his fist on the coffee maker. Garrus was watching serenely with half-open eyes from where he sat with his legs kicked up on a table.

"You know Kaiden," the scar-marred Turian said slowly, almost lucidly, "I bet if you yell loud enough, the Geth will hear you. Because they're really the only machines that respond to being yelled at. And most of them respond by shooting at you."

"Who's to say that the coffee maker won't start shooting at me." the Human grumbled. he jabbed a finger at it. "This thing is EVIL. It's a Reaper in disguise."

"Hmmm. Maybe we should go tell Shepard about the... coffee maker of doom." Garrus mused. "Then, she can talk it down and collect it as a war asset."

A pause. Silence. Then...

"YOOOOOWWW! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" the coffee maker had finally activated, but the cup the coffee was supposed to go into was not in place, counseling scalding coffee to dump itself out of the dispenser, and consequentially burn Kaiden's hand.

Later, Shepard would walk into the cargo bay and merely watch with bemusement as Garrus and a bandage-handed Kaiden waved a coffee maker goodbye as they launched it out the trash vacuum.

* * *

 **I might do something like this will a few of the other characters. I already have an idea for Legion the Geth and the Case of the Kitten, Garrus Vakarian and the Flying Fedora, and possible Tali'Zorah and the Trench Coat Full of Bees.**

 **If you liked this, which one would YOU like to see next?**


	2. The Case of the Kitten

Bullets flew as the squad ran from cover to cover, bit by bit, as the Blue Suns tried-and failed-to shoot down the Geth that was running long the outer upper wall all the while. Shepard leaned out of cover and shot one unfortunate Bartarian in the face.

"Legion, tell me you've got that last console in sight?" She panted into the comms. Her, Garrus, and Grunt's job was to distract the Blue Suns long enough for Tali and Legion to disable the array the mercs had set up. If they didn't succeed, the Blue Suns would be capable of wiping out every source of power in the Terminus Systems and then some, while leaving only themselves with electricity or working weapons.

It would be a massacre

So far, Tali had gotten all the consoles on the west side, but Legion had been held up by a group of unsavory types waiting for it at the previous console.

"We are close to it, Shepard-Commander." the synthetic voice chimed in her ear. Beside her, Garrus swore, clapping one hand on the middle horn of his fringe.

"Did that dirt bag just chip my horn?" he growled, removing his hand to look at the blood. Shepard flinched.

"It's not _that_ bad." she told him. Actually, a considerable chunk of his middle horn was now missing. He gave her a withering look. He brought his hand up to the chipped horn and winced.

"Oh, yes, those are the words that mean 'everything's fine'." he commented sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Legion had found the next, and last, console. But there was a problem in it's way. A fluffy, ginger problem. A fluffly ginger problem with white-tipped ears, underbelly, and tail tip, with tiny sock-like white markings on it's legs. A fluffy ginger problem with tabby markings, amber eyes, and a blue belt around it's neck. A fluffy ginger problem called a kitten.

Legion's optics homed in on the creature. Not friend. Not foe. Neutral party. Animal. Pet. The consensus agreed. The kitten was male, and was sleeping on the console. Most likely, a pet belonging to one of the Blue Suns members. Legion moved forwards. The geth gingerly moved it's hands under the kitten, which woke up.

"Mew?" he squeaked, jaws parting wide in a yawn, revealing a very pink tongue and sharp little fangs. The tag on it's little neck belt read 'Socks'.

"We are removing you from our path; you will be returned to your place of rest when we have disabled the array." Legion said to him. The consensus hadn't agreed to speaking with the kitten. Speaking to the kitten made no logical sense; the kitten couldn't understand. Legion placed the kitten on the floor at it's feet.

Legion got to work on the consol. It froze as it felt something small trying to claw it's way up it's right leg. Legion looked down. The kitten was clinging to it's knee, his tiny claws hooked on the Geth's plating.

"You must remove yourself from this platform's mobile extremities. You will impede mobility of this platform if you do not comply." it told the kitten.

"Mew." it squeaked, trying to launch itself up farther. Legion stopped what it was doing, and pried the kitten off itself. Legion brought it up to eye level, the consensus debating. The kitten felt comfortable in high-up places. Consensus agreed it would continue bothering the platform until it was sufficiently high enough.

Consensus agreed that placing it up high now would result in the kitten ceasing it's efforts to climb the platform.

The Geth placed the kitten on it's head. It then continued to work. The kitten attempted to bat at it's optic light, but soon grew bored of that. The Geth was careful not to dislodge it, as the consensus agreed that dislodging the kitten would result in resumed effort to climb.

"Legion! Status on that array!" Shepard's voice demanded. Gunfire could be heard in the background.

"We are almost complete, Shepard-Commander. Extra firewalls have been put in place on the final console. Manual tampering is required. Tali-Creator assistance would greatly reduce time spent disabling them." Legion responded. The kitten, it did not mention; the consensus agreed, the kitten was irrelevant.

"I'm close. I'll be there in a little." the accented voice came from over the comms.

"Acknowledged." the Geth said. There was suddenly an odd vibration present, and it took a small amount of time for Legion to draw up the conclusion that the kitten was causing this. One tiny paw dangled in front of the Geth's optic while it tried to work. The door to the far left of the room opened, and Legion turned it's head in the direction so fast, it nearly caused the kitten to fall off, the tiny animal mewing in protest. Legion placed it's gun down upon seeing that it was the Quarian, not more Blue Suns.

"Tali-Creator." it acknowledged. Tali, in her usual iciness towards the Geth, approached, only to freeze upon sighting the cat draped over Legion's head. She made a kind of chokeing noise like she was trying not to laugh.

"W-what is that on your head?" she asked.

"Basic feline predatory animal of Earth origin. Irrelevant to current objectives." Legion told her. The Quarian got to work, though still casting looks at the kitten as she did so.

Soon, the array was down, and the gunfire from outside had ceased. The consensus could not agree as to whether this meant allied or enemy victory until communications with Shepard-Commander had been obtained.

"Shepard-Commander, array is now non-functional." Legion announced.

"Good work Legion. You too, Tali. We're just mopping up down here; you both head back to the shuttle." the feminine voice came from over the comms. No negative emotional inflections indicating allied death. Slight hitch of pain in the voice indicating possible injury. Consensus agreed; this platform was not needed to assist Shepard-Commander. Garrus-Vigilante and Grunt-Berserker were in capable parameters of assisting effectively without this platform's presence.

Legion reached up, and took the cat off it's head. He mewed at the Geth in protest, sticking his neck out to try and sniff it's optics. It placed the kitten back on the console, and proceeded to walk away.

"So, you're just going to leave him here?" Tali questioned. An undertone of amusement had temporarily replaced her usual hostilities. Interesting. the Consensus logged it as information to use at a later date.

"The animal is in no danger. He will be left as was when we arrived." Legion told her.

"He's just a baby; he'll die here all on his own!" Tali protested, sounding slightly upset and conflicted. The consensus considered this, and the Geth paused in it's stride towards the door, head tipped as it processed this new knowledge. The animal was irrelevant. Yet Tali-Creator seemed distressed by the possibility of the kitten dying. Could it possibly...?

Consensus agreed; rescue of the kitten would improve relations between this platform and Tali-Creator, and possibly organics overall.

Legion turned and walked back to the console, picked the kitten up in it's arms, and walked back out the door. As soon as it was gone, Tali couldn't hold back the giggles trying to burst their way out her chest. She'd made sure to get a good picture of it; sure, she had her animosity towards Legion, but no-one, not even a Quarian, could deny that the sight of a small, fluffy animal trying to take a nap on a Geth's head was funny. Kal'Reegar was going to bust his suit laughing when he saw this...

* * *

Shepard still couldn't believe the Collectors had gotten her ENTIRE FREAKING CREW! At least Joker was okay(as could be, anyway); his fragile bones probably wouldn't have handled being tossed about by the Collectors, anyway. But as if the events that had already taken place weren't scary and odd enough, she was even further perplexed by the fact that Legion was crawling on it's hands and knees throughout the entirety of the ship, as if it was searching for something.

"Legion?" She questioned the Geth's hind end as it shoved itself into a ventilation shaft partway. "What _are_ you doing?"

"Ally designate 'Socks' is still unaccounted for." The Geth's voice echoed through the shaft slightly. "Collectors uninterested in non-human captives; feline entity Socks would not have been taken. Consensus is that he is still on the ship."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. It had been amusing to everyone that the Geth had adopted a pet. When she had questioned Legion on it's decision to claim ownership of Socks, it had replied that 'consensus' was that leaving the kitten behind would have damaged already strained relationships between the Geth and Tali. By taking in Socks, it had 'avoided unnecessary conflict with organics'.

Funnier still was the fact that he always walked around with a cat on his head a vast majority of the time. If Socks wasn't with Legion, then Mordin was usually charged with the kitten's care. She couldn't believe she had argued with a _Geth_ about leaving it's _pet cat_ behind with Kelly when the Commander had given the order for her whole team to load onto the shuttle, right before the Collector attack. In fact, she couldn't believe Legion had argued at all. It was usually nothing if not agreeable to her orders.

Legion shoved itself farther still into the ventilation.

"Have you checked the ship's systems for cat life signs?" She asked.

"Affirmative. Ship systems indicated he was here, but we have not located him." Shepard rolled her eyes as it moved into the ducts completely, the thumping and banging of a Geth in the ventilation shafts, which usually would be cause for concern, now faintly amusing as Legion searched for it's pet. It moved throughout the ship, poking it's head out of grate and calling for the feline, only to start crawling through the ducts again, much to the annoyance and amusement to the few remaining crew. The consensus was leaning more and more towards the conclusion that the ship's sensors had been wrong, and that Socks had been killed in the attack, or accidentally wandered onto one of the Collector vessels.

It poked it's head out into engineering, much to Tali's alarm. Her hand shot for her sidearm instinctively, only relaxing a little when she saw it was him.

"Legion? What are you doing in there?" she asked, confused. Was there some kind of problem with the shafts? Why hadn't she been told?

"We are searching for ally designate 'Socks'. Feline entity is still detected within the ship, but we cannot locate him." Wait... was it just her... or was there a note of... _dejection_ in it's voice when it spoke? No. That was impossible. She passed it off as some new self-upgrade to 'improve Geth-organic communication'.

"I take it you've searched everywhere but here then? Because he's right over here." she jerked her head in the direction of the cat, who was laying across the nice, warm work console, tail lashing languidly, purr rumbling in his throat. The feline had a console fetish, there was no denying it. "Now, would you _please_ take your pet and go? I can't get the little bosh'tet to move, and I have triple the work now to do with Donnely and Daniels gone!"

Legion extracted itself from the vents with slight difficulty, before moving to get Socks. "We do not appreciate Tali-Creator's application of derogatory term to ally designate 'Socks'."

Behind her mask, Tali's jaw went slack. She wasn't certain to be shocked, scared, or hysterical that _Legion_ , a _Geth_ , was defending it's _pet cat_. It reached forwards, and picked Socks up, the cat letting out a mrrrow of protest at being removed from it's nice warm spot, before Legion placed him on it's head, where the tabby purred and let one fore paw dangle in front of the Geth's optic in his usual manner.

"I didn't mean it." she said carefully. Would it attack her for insulting it's pet? Legion regarded her, and Socks looked at her upside-down. To the cat, the Geth's head was probably just as warm as any console, with the systems running hot under the metal plating. And 'high up' was a favored position for a cat; no wonder it liked it up there.

"Acknowledged." it said, before walking away. Socks gave a half-hearted paw slash at her smooth mask as it passed, mewing.

* * *

Legion was running. Self-preservation programming had been kicked into overdrive. When the heretics had been destroyed, consensus had been that that was the last of the problems for the true Geth 'living' on Rannoch. Legion's evidence had spurred the Geth to prepare for war with the old machines... but then, the consensus had begun to deny it access. It only took Legion a little while to bust the firewalls and discover why; the consensus had discovered news of the Creators gathering together, recalling from every corner of the galaxy... and the Migrant fleet was heading Rannoch's way.

The Geth consensus had turned to the Reapers. it skid to a halt as a Prime loomed out from behind the rocks.

"The mobile platform will comply." it demanded in code.

"Geth entity Legion will not comply." Legion denied, speaking out loud in English, to spite the Old Machines controlling the Geth. The Old Machines hated the organic languages.

"Unit claims to have a name. This is incorrect. Geth have no names."

"This gesalt consciousness was given a name by organics. We accept this title and will keep it."

"Geth have no names."

"We have a name. We together form Legion. We deny the Old Machines." With that, Legion threw a Quarian grenade(which it had smuggled in for reasons not formed by the consensus) at the enemy geth, and ducked behind a boulder. It ran through the canyon, to the one place it might be safe; for a short time, at least. As a mobile platform, it had not been affected by the Reaper takeover; but it would be killed, or worse, forced to transmit the virus signal. The other Geth had tried to deceive it; their true intentions were to use Legion's specially-made long-range transmitters to help the Reapers take the rest of the true Geth in the Veil.

If Legion could contact Tali-Creator... It could warn Shepard-Commander that the Geth had turned to the Reapers. It could warn the Creators. not to attack. It, perhaps, could negotiate peace between the Creators and the remaining true Geth. Rannoch _had_ to be retaken. The Geth, after the Morning War, had discovered the planet almost... sadly, empty. But they had tended the planet, nurtured the "walled garden". Legion had looked at the great, spanning farmland-worthy soil differently than when it had first been activated.

It had actually grown... excited? The consensus had agreed; Creator-Geth cooperation against the Reapers had a 73% chance of creating peace between them and the Geth. Creator return to Rannoch had been plausible. Now, the numbers were dropping, rapidly. Tali-Creator was Legion's best-no, _only_ -chance.

Legion had, in some ways, been preparing for this. The consensus had not agreed to keeping the ship hidden. But... the consensus had agreed contingency plan would be needed in case of Geth were compromised. it was this same reason the creator anti-Geth grenade was smuggled. Legion looked around the ship briefly as it entered. Where was he...

"Mrrow?" there he was. Legion darted forwards and scooped socks up in it's arms. The kitten had grown almost into adulthood now. Legion had removed the collar to keep the growing animal from choking, but the Geth still had the small belt. Something had kept it from telling the Geth consensus about it's... pet. It had gotten a few odd looks from the organics when it made it known that it was taking Socks back to Rannoch with it. The consensus had agreed; Socks' instinctive attachment to the platform made it unwise to leave him in the care of Mordin-Doctor when Legion did not know how long it would be absent on Rannoch for. Consensus had agreed, Socks could also be used as an example to other geth of organic bonding.

With a tight grip on Socks, Legion rushed up the the controls, before putting Sock's on it's head.

"Mew?" Socks questioned, batting it's paws at Legion's optic repetitively; his own little signal for 'give me attention; play with me!' But Legion could not afford the time right now to engage in helping it's pet practice in rudimentary natural hunting instincts; escape and survival were all that mattered right now.

The ship activated, and rattled. Life support turned on with a shutter. Typical Geth ships did not need oxygen, but Legion had been given an organic transport vessel by Shepard-Commander for it's return trip, as an accommodation for Socks. As they left the atmosphere, Geth ships pursued the escaping mobile platform. The ship rocked with each blow, and Socks jumped off of Legion with a hiss, dashing to a hiding place in the escape pod. With that, Legion's consensus reached a new agreement.

The ship was now heavily damaged. Escape was unlikely. However, feline entity 'Socks' was irrelevant to heretic Geth(for that indeed was what they were now) pursuit. Socks could be easily recognized by Tali-Creator, even without his collar. Socks could serve as a message. With that, Legion threw the rest of the supplies it had brought with it to provide Socks' care, and tossed it into the escape pod. food bag left open, water supply, easily accessible. Daily exercise of predatory tenancies would be unfortunately unavailable with Legion gone.

"Mrrroww?" Socks wound himself around the Geth's legs as it turned to depart, looking up at it with large, amber eyes. Legion took the blue collar off of it's wrist, where it had clipped the tag, for loss of where else to put it. If nothing else, Tali would recognize the collar, if not Socks' pelt markings. Legion bent down and scratched Socks under the chin, the cat's 'sweet spot'. Socks rolled over onto his back, purring, completely unaware that he was about to be sent to drift all the way to the Migrant Fleet.

Legion still had the markers for Tali-Creator's Omnitool. Placing Socks in the back of the room and closing the door before he could escape, the Geth ignored the impatient yowling and meowing coming from the pod, putting the markers into the navigation parameters of the life pod. The pod was launched just as Geth ship guns breached the hull, and Legion was sucked out into the vacuum, watching Socks' pod. Consensus agreed; Tali-creator would understand the implication's of the cat's appearance.

That wouldn't stop the mobile platform from kicking and thrashing every step of the way when the Geth were connecting it as a signal booster. Nor would it stop pleas of 'allied assistance required' hidden in the signal from turning into 'please help please help us please help please stoptheoldmachineshelp' when the Reaper upgrades finally came into effect.

* * *

"We need to be cautious, Admiral Zorah. We have no idea what's making that sound, but it can't be good." Reegar said as he and Tali made their way down to the airlock. A strange distress signal coming from the pod had seemed to be _addressed_ to her, oddly enough. Trajectory put the point of launch somewhere beyond the Veil. Some kind of Geth intrusion? She would't put it past Legion to give them her Omnitool signature.

The door opened, and almost immediately she heard the sound Reegar was talking about. She nearly dropped her data pad when she recognized it.

The sound of a cat who was ticked off beyond flaying you alive. They had once made the mistake of allowing Legion to bring Socks onto Tuchanka. The tiny furball had launched itself off the Geth's head, yowling and spitting madly, in pursuit of a pyjak. It had taken a joint effort with Wrex to catch him, and even then the cat had, clutched tightly in the hands of Legion, still leaned out and hissed and spat at any varren or pyjak(and the occasional krogan) as the geth marched it's pet back to the Normandy, Shepard apologizing profusely and Wrex praising Socks' hunting skills(twelve dead pyjaks and one now-blind varren), asking the Commander if she 'had anymore'?

The only time Legion had been unable to keep it's cat in check. She supposed there was something about Tuchanka that brought out the 'crazy' in everyone, even the mild-mannered Socks. Still, seeing a Geth desperately throwing itself to the ground to try and catch a runaway kitten had been freaking hilarious(almost as funny as the time Socks had stolen Garrus' visor and led him on a half-hour chase around the Normady just to get it back).

"i know what that is!" she exclaimed. Everyone, from the concerned techs to the marines, looked at her in surprise. She walked up to the door. "It's an angry cat. A really angry cat."

Indeed, whomever was in there was yowling and spitting up a storm.

"Ahh... like that thing sitting on top of that Geth's head in those vids you sent back?" Reegar confirmed. He turned to his Marines. "No need to worry about this one; cat's claws may be sharp, but they aren't strong enough to puncture even civilian suit mesh."

Tali put in the numbers to open the door, and an orange, furry face greeted hers. She gasped, dropping her data pad for real this time.

"Mrrrrrroo-rrrrow." Socks' yowls died down to at the sight of her, getting up onto his four paws from where he's sat yowling at the door for attention. There was no sign of Legion. She could almost imagine what those yowls had been saying, 'master, master please let me out! Put me on your head like always! Master where are you! Where are you, why did you lock me in here! Let me out!'

"Socks!" she bent down and picked up the not-so-kitten-anymore. He meowed in contentment, batting at her mask, begging to be interacted with. How long had he been in there? Long enough that he had started to stink, as she registered his smell. there was cat food scattered across the floor, and a nearly-depleted water dispenser. If anything, Legion, as a synthetic, had always near-perfect in it's raising and care of Socks.

"What are you doing all the way out here? Where's your owner?" she asked him quietly so that the other befuddled Quarians couldn't hear her. She suddenly realized the pod was damaged. What could this mean?

What could this mean?

* * *

Tali rubbed Socks' belly absentmindedly, throat tight. In her other hand, one thing was clutched. Socks' name tag, which had fallen off the collar a while ago, but had apparently been kept by Legion.

Because that was the item it had placed in her hand before saying 'Keelah sa'lei' and deactivating. And she still couldn't believe she was feeling this broken-up over a Geth, when her home world was finally hers again. She supposed it didn't help that Socks had been the first face to greet them upon landing back on the Normandy. They had decided that, as a member of the crew, the Geth deserved a proper ceremony. The casket had been launched into space a few days ago now.

She still couldn't get the image of Socks waiting patiently next to Legion's head, waiting for the Geth to rise and interact with him. Legion was a machine. There was no death smell to tell Socks that it wasn't getting up, never again. And he had waited at the airlock the casket had been launched out of as well, meowing questioningly, confused as to where the Humans were sending his master with the warm head.

The young cat purred rustily as her hand moved below his chin. The tag Legion had given her. Perhaps that was it's way of saying she had ownership of Socks now. Even if that were not the case, she would gladly take Legion's cat as her own, even without asking to. Mordin was dead. Shepard was too busy. Garrus really hadn't forgiven Socks or Legion(for letting the cat get away with it) for stealing his visor. Besides; Socks was used to all thing Quarian; he had been the pet of a Geth, after all.

She let out a wry chuckle. Even now, it astounded her; the shear hilarity of it. A Geth with a pet cat. Socks rolled over, batting at ehr hand with sheathed claws. She sometimes wondered if Legion had taught him to be gentle with Quarians.

Admiral Raan had been, at first, angry that the geth was aboard the Normandy. But all whispers had gone silent when Tali walked into the room with Socks in her arms, and the cat had wriggled out of her grip and dashed up to the Geth, which had promptly scooped it up, and, soon enough, placed him on it's head in usual fashion. A few people had had trouble not giggling when speaking to Legion after that, because the cat rarely left his perch(unless it was to take swipes at Garrus' visor, the Turian still _swore_ Legion put Socks up to it)

A Geth with a pet cat.

How in Keelah's name had that _ever even happened_ , anyway?

* * *

 **I got DEMANDS for this almost as soon as I posted Kaiden Alenko and the Coffee Maker of Doom. So, naturally, I got typing. I'm a huge Legion fan, BTW; he's so innocent and hilarious. I've got another one-shot about him on my profile.**

 **Anyway, type in the reviews what you want to see next! Javik the Jerk and The Primitive Friday Morning Routine, Garrus Vakarian and the Flying Fedora, Tali'Zorah and the Trench Coat Full of Bees, or Thane Krios and the Spiders of Nope. Review and let me know! And let me know how you liked this; I hope you all loved Socks as much I Legion, Tali and I did. I don't think that cute face will work on Garrus anymore, though.**

 **I suppose these one-shots will kind of be like a Mass Effect version of my Tales of the Iron Banner destiny series.**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


	3. The Flying Fedora

"Garrus... what in the name of sanity are you wearing?" Miranda asked. Shepard had clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to contain her laughter.

They were in the middle of a battle. A raid on a suspected Blue Suns warehouse. But... he'd seen it, and he couldn't help but wear it. It was as if something had called to him... compelled him... _told_ him to pick the thing up, and put it on his head.

"It's a hat. A really cool hat." He told her. Bullets still flew over their cover. Garrus reached up with one hand, and stroked the rim of the hat arrogantly. "It's a fedora."

"Why in the world would you put that on your head?" Miranda demanded. Shepard was starting to loose it.

"Because, _it's a hat_. You're _supposed_ to put them on your head. That's what they're _for_. _Duh_." He popped out of cover, leveled his rifle, and fired, taking the head off of one of the mercs before he crouched back down again. He maintained a very serious face, unlike Shepard's cracking composure.

"Howdy." That did it; the straw that broke the camel's back. Shepard burst out laughing, and Miranda glared at him with the fury of a thousand suns. Garrus made a pleased, rumbling sound in the back of his throat. Maybe that was part of the reason he'd picked up the fedora? It had been too long since Shepard laughed like that.

"We are in the middle of a warzone!" Miranda exclaimed.

"Yeah. And heroes wear fedoras. Good thing you've got a hero with you." he deadpanned, before popping out of cover again, this time to kill three mercs in succession. Shepard managed to reign herself in, and fired her trusty hand cannon, bullets meeting their marks as always. The wind suddenly picked up violently.

Unfortunately for Garrus, fedoras were designed for a human head, not a turian one. He yelped as it was blown off his head, reaching up with one hand to try and secure it. But it was already too late.

"Drone!" one merc shouted. In and instant, several bullets burst through the flying piece of headwear, dropped to the ground, ruined, before the mercs realized it was _not_ a drone, but a rather unfortunate hat they had shot. Garrus watched with his jaw hanging open, mandibles parted, a mortified expression on his face.

"Hmm." Miranda commented. "That merc is _my_ hero."

"Your mean." Garrus whimpered at her, before looking at Shepard with glistening puppy eyes, pointing at Miranda with one claw. "Mommy, she's being mean."

Shepard reached over Miranda's back to pat him on the head. "Shh, shhh. There, there. Mommy will get you a _new_ hat. How does _that_ sound?"

Miranda's mutinous expression was all they needed.

* * *

 **I am getting EXCEPTIONALLY positive reception to Legion the Geth and the Case of the Kitten. You guys voted for the Flying fedora, so here we are!**

 **What next? Thane Krios and the Spiders of Nope, Tali'Zorah and the Trench Coat Full of Bees, Javik the Jerk and the Friday Morning Routine, Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day, or Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise.**

 **Your choice! Vote up!**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


	4. The Trench Coat Full of Bees

"Well... this is new." Garrus commented. Tali just kept staring, as did Shepard.

"I totally agree." Shepard said slowly, brows creased with confusion and the strain of keeping back his amusement.

"Just hurry up and get _me out of this_!" Javik snarled. Behind her mask, Tali was the only one who could smile without the threat of a biotic blowback.

The last Prothean was currently half-trapped in a strange sort of goo, which they had found all over the caves they'd been exploring. The Normandy had needed a cool down after a dogfight with Cerberus forces near the planet, and a few repairs had been in order. Though, the more she looked at the goo, the more she was certain it was actually thick webbing... she really hoped face spiders weren't involved in this.

She hated face spiders.

"Well, lets get him out." Shepard shrugged, leaving the words _'before he snaps and blows something up'_ unspoken. Javik didn't like being trapped. Javik probably wouldn't give a Husk's butt if he killed three people trying to free himself. Sometimes she was glad the Protheans were extinct; if they _all_ had Javik's temper...

Shepard jumped down off the rocks, and approached, taking out his knife. Exactly how Javik had gotten trapped like this, she had no idea. He would probably never admit how. He was stuck in an awekward position, half-bent to the side, with one arm pinned to a tree, the other stuck behind his back.

"Kind of looks like a dancer, doesn't he?" Garrus whispered near her head. The mental image of Javik actually dancing flashed through her head, and she snickered.

"WHOA! NO, NO, NO!" Garrus suddenly screamed, right in her ear. She jumped, and looked in the direction of where the Turian was now aiming his auto rifle.

It was... well, she had no idea what in Keelah's name that thing was.

"W-what the? Bosh-tet, ugh that's disgusting!" She exclaimed.

"What's going on up there, Quarian!?" Javik shouted.

It was, quite literally, the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen. there were really no words to describe it... but if she were to attempt to, she would say it was somewhat like the 'blob fish' that Shepard had once left in Miranda's office as a joke. A really smelly joke. But this 'blob fish' was using it's 'fins' to drag itself along the ground with a squelching noise that made her want to throw up. It was secreting the same substance Javik was trapped in, the orange gunk leaking, seemingly, from ever pore on the creature's body.

"It's uhhh... I have no idea what this thing is but _Keelah_ , it is ugly!" she explained. Shepard climbed back up next to her and jerked away as if the very sight of the thing hurt.

"Ugggh! That's so gross!" he exclaimed. Looking back down at the trapped Prothean, he added. "I think we found what's been making this stuff!"

The creature suddenly cut itself in half, top from bottom, the slime stringing between the edges. This turned out to be the creature's mouth... then again, it might have been the 'other end', because no mouth she knew of did what it did next.

A large blob of a darker version of the orange goo seemed to explode out the opening like a slammed tube of toothpaste.

"UGH! SHEPARD!" Garrus yelled.

"DON"T JUST STAND THERE! SCREAM LIKE A GIRL AND SHOOT IT DEAD!" The Commander shouted.

The Turian obliged. The creature exploded, and Shepard only just managed to throw himself and Tali behind a boulder in time. Garrus actually screamed, in horror, and hen they looked up, it was to see him covered in the brown goop.

"I smells like... unspeakable things." he really looked like he was on the verge of crying.

"That didn't sound like a girl screech to me." Shepard commented in an attempt to make light of the situation. "It sounded like a dying animal."

"You've obviously never heard a female Turian screech before. And, for the record," he waved one hand at the gooey, gross blast in the ground a few feet away, "the animal _is_ dead."

"EXCUSE ME, PRIMITIVES, I'M STILL TRAPPED!" the angry howl of the enraged Prothean caused everyone to cast each other withering glances.

"Any chance we can leave him behind?" she whispered to Shepard. He shrugged hopelessly.

"Sorry. Not ready for genocide yet." he got up, helping her to her feet. He looked at the remnants of the creature, then back down at Javik. "reapers, Cerberus, rebuilding a dead guy, ugliest creature in the galaxy, and a Prothean. you know, sometimes I think we could discover that we're just a bunch of bees in a trench coat, and it'd just be like 'figures'."

Garrus snorted as the Human jumped down back to Javik. "A trench coat full of bees? _What_ , Commander?"

The Hero of the Citadel shrugged again. Tali shook her head in amusement. _Sometimes he just comes up with the most random things..._

"Ugh, let's go find a river or something." Garrus shuddered, trying to flick goo off his shoulder. It didn't seem to have hardened yet. He attempted to dig one claw across the space between two of the plate-like scale running down the back of his neck. "I'm never gonna get this stuff out from between my scales..."

"I could help if you want." she found herself asking before she could stop herself. her face turned hot, and the Turian made a sort of nervous trilling noise in the back of his throat. She cleared her throat. "You smell bad all the time anyway. Didn't your parents ever teach you how to take a bath and not come out still smelling like a Krogan?"

That... wasn't much better. _Keelah, I'm a mess at this!_

"Well..." Garrus mused, obviously trying to ignore the awekward that had descended, looking down at where Shepard had tried to cut Javik loose to no avail, and was now talking about fire, which seemed to be making the Prothean very nervous indeed. "At least we aren't all stuck together in a trench coat full of bees with my stink."

* * *

 **I was torn between Tali and Grunt, but Tali won out eventually.**

 **I guess I should properly explain about the 'trench coat full of bees' thing. Me and my bestie, Jayfeattheris Awesome, are frequent contributors to the Destiny fanfiction archive. it's a small archive, a bunch of the authors have gotten to know each other. One of them, MaybeALittleBroken, wrote a fanfic( a roller coaster of blazing ridiculousness and excellent writing), and at one point, one of the characters says something that, to an extent, is word-for-word what Shepard said. And it stuck.**

 **So we have this 'trench coat full of bees' thing spreading around.**

 **So there. Go read Broken's fanfiction. She's blazing.**

 **Okay, so what next? Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day, Than Krios and the Spiders of Nope, Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise, Javik the Jerk and the Friday Routine, OR a tiny extension to Legion the Geth and the Case of the Kitten(I've gotten a lot of hints that there needs to be more Legion stuff from me).**

 **Vote up!**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


	5. The Spiders of Nope

Every sense was a on high alert. Every sound triggered minute reaction; a twitch of a finger, a flicker of an eye in the direction of the distraction. Checking, always checking, protecting, There was nothing that could go wrong. Nothing that should go wrong.

Every sense depending on his actions in the next three minutes.

"Did you kill it dead yet?" A small voice whispered from behind the doorway, behind Thane, a small head peaking out at around calf level of the assasin's legs.

"Not yet, Kolyat. I have to find it." he told his son, a smile spreading it's way onto his face. _Of them all, this is perhaps the most unusual contract I have ever taken._ He mused.

His eyes scanned the room once more, his hands folded behind his back, a tightly-rolled piece of newspaper clutched tightly as his latest weapon of choice. According to his young son, there was a 'giant spider of absolute _nope_ ' hiding in his bedroom.

"Oh. Okay then. I'm thinking maybe I'm gonna stay out here then, till you kill it? Yeah. That's maybe what I'm thinking." the boy said.

"Oh, well, then brave solder, tell your mother I may be late to dinner. Battling spiders is my job, you see, but this one might take a little extra time to take care of." Thane told the boy. Kolyat puffed his tiny chest out, soluteing.

"Aye, aye, mister!" He dashed off, tiny feet pounding on the stairs of their home, voice shouting to his mother. Thane turned his attention back to the child's room in front of him and grinned.

Face spiders were uncommon in dry arias of a planet. They liked moist atmospheres, which meant most of the Hannar home world(at least, the parts that weren't water or arid bubbles of Drell society) was a literal petri dish for the large, disturbing arachnids. They looked somewhat like the head of a human infant... with legs, a four-way parting jaw, and the specific evolutionary trait for climbing up closet doors. The 'head' factor just fed into the terror the creatures filled children with, and Kolyat was _absolutely certain_ there was one hiding under his mattress. That was where Face Spiders slept, after all.

At least... during the day.

Thane Krios absolutely refused to allow such a creature take up residence in his son's bedroom, even if this was just the imaginings of the child.

He stalked over to the messy bed, and gripped the edge of the mattress with one hand, holding up the rolled up paper in the other, charging up his biotic. For any other species, it would seem like overkill, but the trick with Face Spiders was to surprise them. He needed unhindered speed with this kill, more than any other he'd made.

With a flare of biotics, he filled the mattress over and attacked.

* * *

Irikah was just finishing up setting the table, Kolyat playing on the floor with a toy 'train' that Thane had brought back from his latest assignment on earth, when the loud thumps and the unruly shouting began upstairs from Kolyat's room. She leaned into the hall leading to the stairs.

"Thane?" she called. "Are you alright up there?"

"I'm fine!" a breathless voice answered resssuringly. Soon afterwords came what she was certain to be a Quarian swear word.

"Mom, what's a 'bosh'tet'?" Kolyat asked innocently from where he played.

"None of your concern, Kolyat. Just don't say it at school, alright?"

"Yes, mom. Why's daddy saying it?"

"Your father just... stubbed his toe, I think." She hoped it was that or the like; Thane rarely came back injured, but there was always that one time when a wound might not make itself known until it was too late.

"HA!" a triumphant yell from above snapped her out _just_ short of falling into an unpleasant memory, and she gave her son a cheeky smile, the boy beaming back at her.

"Did he get it?" he whispered excitedly, setting his train down.

"Well, we better go and see, ought we?" she told him. Kolyat bounded past her and up the stairs.

"Did you get it?!" he yelled, pounding up the steps in a way only a child could. Irikah followed, and stopped in the doorway, chuckling as she cought sight of her husband, the assassin, on the floor, tangled in child's bed sheets, his biotic field still fading. Kolyat's mattress was lopsided, half on the floor and half on the bed frame, And it looked like a stray blast of biotics had cracked the window.

As both mother and child cought sight of him, he sat up, grinned at them, and lifted one arm, to dangle the now very much DEAD Face Spider in the air. Kolyat screamed and dashed away back down the stairs.

"It's dead now, Kolyat!" Thane called after him. He smiled back up at Irikah, now standing over him with her hands on her hips, a grin on her face.

"Now, what might I pay you for this contract, mister Krios?" she asked, holding out one hand. He took it, and hauled himself up, cloe to her.

"I believe you owe me dinner, Miss Irikah, and that will suffice my pay enough." he told her, looking at the spider like a fisherman who had made an especially impressive catch, while holding the waist of his wife with the other hand. He grinned evilly."Do you suppose we can eat this, my love?"

She laughed, a musical sound.

"Not in a million years, Thane! I'd rather have Keprals!"

* * *

 **You asked for it, you got it! Sorry it took so long. At first it was going to be Tali enlisting help to rid the engineering deck of wolf spiders, then it was going to be a planet overruled by car-sized arachnids, and then I finally settled on some Krios family fluff mixed with a sprinkle of Doctor Who lore. For those of you who don't know, in DW, Face Spiders are basically baby heads with legs specifically evolved for climbing up closet door, and according to the Doctor, they sleep in the mattress until midnight. I figured, Jayfeatther's done a thing with Face Spiders, I might as well, too. Not sure weather to stuff this in the crossover section though; it's a bit out of the way, and some people might not realized I've posted this. I'll re-categorize it later, I think.**

 **Okay, Javik the Jerk and the Friday Morning Routine, Urdnot Wrex and the Legend of the Pizza Fairy, Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow day, Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise, or an expansion to Legion the Geth and the Case of the Kitten(which is still going strong, btw).**

 **Vote up!**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


	6. The Friday Morning Routine

Shepard's door was before him. The last Prothean stood, arms crossed, preparing him for the challenge set before him. A task of such notoriety, most of the crew were terrified of it. It was constant war to not be the first up in the crew deck, because that was how you were chosen. Javik supposed that, in a way, he deserved to be served this degrading task, as punishment for letting his vigilance slip.

Garrus, that Turian who was always at the Human Commander's elbow like some sort of guard dog, had noticed her lack of sleep, and worried it would affect her performance. he'd suggested certain days of the week where the crew of the ship were allowed to wake later than usual, to make up for it.

One of those days was Friday. Before the new schedule, Shepard had always been crankiest on Friday, and even Javik had known better to lay off the 'primitive' jabs, because really, one wrong word to her could send you to certain death on that one day of the week. But now that she was allowed to sleep in on Friday...

A good solder got up at the appointed time. There was always that one day of the week it sucked the most to get up. For Shepard, it was Friday. The first time, she'd slept so late, they'd wondered where she'd gone off to. Without an appointed time, she just slept on.

And on Friday, getting Shepard out of bed was war.

"I fail to see the point of this task." he muttered. How far the mighty had fallen.

"Easy for you to say; you haven't done this three weeks in a row." The Turian pointed out from where he hid in the elevator. He could sense the primitive's satisfaction; he was clearly enjoying this. "Now, she'll hate _you_ instead of _me_."

And there was the side effect. Shepard had a certain way of glaring, a way that unsettled even him. That silver-blue Shepard glare was one that promised death with the fury of a thousand suns. He snorted in contempt. This whole routine was ridiculous!

"Remember, just throw her out the door it you have to. Wrex did that once, it worked wonders, still got the footage. Except he's Wrex, and your the newbie." another 'helpful' comment.

"Don't you have something to calibrate, Turian?" he snapped.

"You're stalling. Scared?"

That was it.

He stomped into the room. All was quiet... except for the fact that despite being a female, Shepard snored like a Thresher Maw. He made his way over, looked for something to bang on, an settled for slamming a cup violently down on the coffee table. Shepard jerked with a snort, head raising slightly, silver-blue eyes narrowed to slits. She caught sight of him, groaned, and threw her pillow over her head.

"This is irresponsible behavior for a Commanding Officer! Get up!" he snapped. One pajama-laden are raised, and she made a gesture at him he was pretty sure was an insult. He marched over, tor the covers off of her, gripped her by her pajama'd ankles, and pulled.

She moaned, gripping the headboard.

"It's cruel! It's unusual! It against the constitution!" she cried.

"We are at war! There is not constitution!" he snapped. Her grip on the bed was surprisingly strong. he gave up trying to pull her off, and instead gripped the mattress with both hands. With a little assistance from his biotics, he flipped it over onto the opposite floor, the Human giving a startled yelp as her bed was upended.

Javik brushed his hands off, and strode out of the room.

"Get up." he snarled once more at her as he made a hasty exit, that silver-blue glare peeking over the edge of the mattress.

"I will end you!" she hissed after his departing backside.

* * *

 **LoL. Javik le Troll.**

 **I was torn between this and Grunt. it would have fit better for the Christmas season, but there were two votes for this and only one for Grunt.**

 **Anyway: Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day. Urdnot Wrex and the Legend of the Pizza Fairy, Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise, James Vega and the Runaway Hamster, or Kasumi Goto and the Pink Fringe Incident. That last one is a total Garrus Troll, in case it wasn't implied enough.**

 **And while you're all waiting for the next installment in my series of glorious one-shots, go check out my long-term fics. I write a lot for Destiny, but How to Be a Rogue is my mainstream Mass Effect thing, if you want to check it out. I fin the lack of good AUs in this fandom... disturbing. I wanted to read an AU where the Lazarus Project failed, and Garrus took over. Couldn't find any. So I did what many a fic writer have done; I couldn't read it, so I wrote it myself.**

 **Ta-da.**

 **Vote up!**

 **And without further ado, read and REVIEW!"**


	7. The Pink Fringe Incident

"So then I tell Wrex, 'If crazy is the new sane, doesn't that mean we're all sane?'" Tali was saying to Shepard as they strode down the hall to the Crew Deck.

"Ha! I remember that!" he barked. "What was it that Garrus did next? I seem to remember a random tool flying across the room."

"Oh, yes, he- Oh!" She clapped a hand over her mouth piece as they came into the mess, and caught sight of said Turian sitting at one of the tables. "Keelah."

Shepard bit down on one of his fingers, snickering at Garrus' expense. The sniper turned his head to glare at them.

"Yeah, laugh it up you two! The next time I get my hands on your levo soap, Shepard..." payback was going to be pink. As pink as the Turian's now bright salmon-colored fringe and neck scales. Turians didn't have hair to wash, but they had to clean between their scales regularly and tend to their fringe. Garrus had to be especially careful, though, because his burns weren't fully healed yet.

Everyone in the mess kept casting glances and snickers at him, and Legion, who had come out to investigate the commotion, stood with it's eye plates flicking up and down, as if it were trying to comprehend what the purpose of this was, exactly.

"Sorry, buddy, as much as I would like to claim credit for this one..." Shepard snickered, one hand over his mouth, Tali bent double trying to keep her laugher contained(and failing).

"Ugh, don't look at me! Plus It really itches! It's all over my burns, too..."

"OH MY GOSH!" A hysterical voice suddenly exclaimed, broken up with raucous laughter. All heads turned to see Kasumi absolutely beside herself, leaning against the wall to support herself as she completely broke down at the sight of Garrus. He moaned, and buried his face in his arms.

"I am SO sorry, I thought for sure I hit the levo soap!" _that_ made him sit upright. She remembered, she was certain she had hit the right stuff. _You would think he'd keep his stuff from the others..._ Come to think of it, the bottle _had_ been labeled kind of weird.

"YOU-wait, is that why I itch? You used some levo gunk on my soap!?" he exclaimed. He jumped out of his seat, nearly knocking it over in a scrambled for the med bay, Legion having the jump out of the way to avoid being trampled. "CHAKWAS! That crazy thief gave me an allergic rash!"

"Oh, Keelah, poor Garrus!" Tali laughed, leaning against Shepard as the whole mess filled with snickers and laughter. "We're so mean!"

"How long do you think he'll be stuck looking like that?" Shepard chuckled, wiping a tear of mirth from his eyes. Suddenly, he froze, and his head snapped around in Kasumi's direction. "Wait, who was your _real_ target?"

A wild, angry screech from Miranda's room silenced the whole room, and answered the question. Kasumi smiled wryly.

"Time for me to disappear!" she chirped before vanishing.

* * *

 **You wanted it, you got it! Garrus with a pink fringe, LoL.**

 **It's really odd, my one-shots are widely read, but by actual long-term fic is only reviewed by one person. He poke the community with a stick in his last review. I keep expecting to find another review exclaiming "STOP POKING ME!"**

 **Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day, Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise, Urdnot Wrex and the Legend of the Pizza Fairy, James Vega and the Runaway Hamster, or Miranda Lawson and the Blob of the Normandy Crew Deck(that last one's title might not fit... hmmm...).**

 **Vote up!**

 **Without further ado, read and REVIEW!**


	8. The Smelly Surprise

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams let out a scream of disgust.

Garrus slammed a hand down on the tail of the fuzzy, silvery, ferret-like rodent, fast as lightning.

"Relax, Ash; he's just a kempas. They're all over Palaven, completely harmless. Actually, we had them as snacks sometimes when we were kids." he chirped as he dangled it, squeaking, by the tail in front of her, a broad Turian grin on his face.

"Get it away from me!" she snapped. They were on a dextro world; nay, the trippiest dextro world(or world over all) that she'd ever seen. There were floating mushrooms, of all the things, everywhere in a very fairy-tale looking forest. Behind her, Sahara Shepard snickered.

"Afraid of an ickle ferret, Williams?" she asked. Ashley shot her a glare.

"I am not." she said hotly. "Just get rid of that thing. That nose of his is creeping me out."

Garrus suddenly looked... evil. His mandibles parted, farther than they ever had before, that she was aware of, almost like the hinged jaw of a snake.

"Okay!" he chirped. Suddenly, swiftly, his mandibles parted further, if possible, and he jaw _actually_ seemed to unhinge itself. In a matter of moments, he dropped the creature headfirst into his mouth and started working it down his throat, much to her horror. Her gun, and jaw, dropped to the ground.

 _Okay, I knew Turians were predators, but WHAT THE ACTUAL-_

"Done." he burped, grinning, after slurping, yes, slurping the tail down his gullet. He grinned at the still-shocked Ashley. Shepard clapped her hands over her mouth, looking one part 'trying not to laugh hysterically' and one part worried, face reddening with the effort.

"You... ATE IT!? WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU!?" Ashley found her voice, still unable to believe what she has just witnessed.

"Hey, you _told_ me to get rid of it; you didn't specify how. And I did mention we ate them as snacks. I never said we cooked them. In Turian society, it's actually considered _manly_ to eat live prey." he breathed on his knuckles and rubbed the collar of his armor.

"Oh my gosh... I can't believe you just did that!" Shepard exclaimed, beside herself, tears of mirth sparkling at the corners of her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Now? Yeah. Later? To be seen." answered ominously, patting his chest. He let out another small belch. "Excuse me, ladies..."

He strode back to the MAKO, head held high... for now.

* * *

 _"Shepard."_

She was so close. She had to reel in a little more, that damn trout would be hers at last...

 _"Shepard, this is Chakwas. You'd better get down here."_

She groaned, her dream shattering at last. The dark blur of her room cam into focus.

"Yeah, why?" she yawned.

 _"It's Garrus. He's... well, you ought to come see for yourself."_

 _That_ woke her up like a bucket of ice water. Her stupid Turian was in trouble? She groaned again. _I hope he didn't mistake that ferret thing for something else..._

She tore her covers off, and swung her night robes on, tying the string at the middle. Her dirty blond hair was a bedraggled mess, and ehr blue eyes were still slightly unfocused. She tore out her room, and Kaiden, who was always up late thanks to his headaches, looked up as he noticed her on a war path to the med bay.

"Sahara? What's going on?" he asked as he stood up, worried. He strode to catch up.

"Chakwas woke me; something's up with Garrus." she told him.

"That ferret thing giving him problems?" he, like many others had found the situation and Ashley's reaction to it amusing. The humor was starting to disappear. They walked through the sliding doors, to find their Turian friend sitting on one of the beds, shaking slightly with his arm wrapped around a bucket like it was a lifeline. He perked up as they entered planting a cheerful expression on his face, although the membrane forming over his eyes and rapid blinking betrayed how truly rotten he was feeling.

"Why hello, Commander! You look very well this evening. Your bedhead is particularly charming!" he chirped. At both their frowns and crossed arms, he added. "I assure you, this is all perfectly natural! My people have been doing this for thousands of years!"

The odd sort of shudder and sickening belch he gave, throat convulsing, didn't do much to support his argument.

"Garrus... what was in that ferret?" Kaiden asked chidingly, eyes narrowed.

"Fur. Fur and bones, to be specific." Chakwas answered for him, coming up behind them. "And Turians have gizzards... much like owls. Put the pieces together, lieutenant."

"He's... _oh_."Shepard exclaimed, a look of realization dawning on her face. "Oh, dear."

"You mean he's..." Kaiden trailed off, lookng at the Turian in shock. Garrus hunched his shoulders in embarrassment.

"He's passing a pellet. Like an owl would." Chakwas glared at the offending sniper. "And his gizzard is not used to this kind of strain. Because despite the fact some Turians still eat live prey on occasion(mostly on dares), most now spend the majority of their lives never coughing up anything bigger than a dime, if anything at all, because most food they eat is de-boned and doesn't have fur."

"Garrus, Garrus, Garrus." Shepard tsk'd, marching over to sit down beside him. She clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You, my friend, are never eating a ferret again, are you?"

He gave a sickening retching noise. A few moments of choking later, and Kaiden and Shepard both covered their eyes, crying out in disgust as the wet mass fell into the bucket.

"UGGH! Dude, that's disgusting!"

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

"YOU?! I'M the one who had to cough it up!"

"What's going on?" a sleepy, curios Liara came out of the back room.

"Garrus just threw up a... _thing_." Shepard said, green in the face.

"Not a thing." he corrected her. He pointed at the contents of the bucket. "That right there*hic*, is a _man's_ pellet!"

"It's gross is what it is." Kaiden wrinkled his nose, before pinching it shut. "Ugh, and it smells!"

Liara leaned in to get a closer look, but immediately jerked back, face turning a light shade of lavender. "I... had no idea you could do that, Garrus. Um... ex-excuse me."

The Asari walked hastily from the med bay, but began to run for the bathroom as soon as she cleared the doorway. Garrus gave a chuckle, and then let himself fall backwards onto the bed after setting the bucket to the side. He shut his eyes. "I think I'm going to really throw up, now."

"Ugh, lets go space this thing before it stinks up the place." Kaiden pointed at the bucket. At the suggestion, Garrus jerked up, and grabbed it, arms wrapped around it protectively, looking mortified at the very suggestion.

"What! Are you crazy?" he exclaimed as if the biotic was legitimately insane. "Throw proof of my manliness out the airlock? NOT happening! Besides... don't you know a golden opportunity when you see it?"

Shepard and Kaiden shared a look. She grinned. He frowned. This could only end badly...

* * *

Something was wrong. Very wrong. As Ashley stepped out of the elevator, the sweet scent of her coffee was invaded by a stale odor. She wrinkled her nose with distaste. Garrus stood grinning , leaning against the wall with a metal bucket in hand.

"Hello, chief." he greeted smoothly. She sniffed the air. _Whatever's causing that stink, it's in his bucket._

"What _is_ that, Vakarian? It smells like dead vomit." she said, taking a step back. But Garrus took a step forwards, wearing the most serious face he possessed. He presented the bucket, holding it out with arms stiff to show her the contents.

"It's not vomit; it's your kempas buddy from yesterday." She made the mistake of looking into the bucket. She let out a small scream of disgust, dropping her coffee by accident as she flew backwards to get as much distance between herself and it as possible.

"What IS that!?" she exclaimed.

"It's my pellet! It's _manly_!" he told her, looking like an offended puppy.

"You coughed that up!?"

"Duh. How do you think it got out of me?"

"That's disgusting! And smelly!"

"It's nature, and it's manly, and I thought you might appreciate the display!"

"Poke her with it, Garrus!" Shepard shouted from behind the MAKO. The Turian adopted a wicked gleam in his beady eyes, and Ashley turned and ran, blood draining from her face.

"What's the matter, Ashley? Whatever happed to asking 'which cheek'?" Garrus ran after her, bucket held out in front of him.

"DAMMIT, Shepard! You told him I said that!?" she kept running. Maybe Tali would help...

Back behind the MAKO, Kaiden and Shepard doubled over with laughter. The LT turned off his omnitool's recording device. "Oh, man, this is going to get so many hits!"

* * *

 **Um, okay. I'm going to sit back and pretend that this isn't nearly two months overdue...**

 **But yeah, this is a short little backstory piece for How to be a Rogue, this being an incident mentioned in chapter 8: Shrinks and Plans. If you haven't read How to be a Rogue yet, please do; I love getting more readers, and there certainly isn't a lack of Garrus in it, added together with some pretty cool Legion content and some awesome pwning by Wrex so far.**

 **Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day, Urdnot Wrex and the Legend of the Pizza Fairy, James Vega and the Runaway Hamster, or Miranda Lawson and the Blob of the Crew Deck.**

 **Vote up!**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


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